


Hiding

by cartoonidiot23



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-04 23:19:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16799047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartoonidiot23/pseuds/cartoonidiot23
Summary: The Riddler crashes yet another event at Wayne Manor, though this time his reasons go beyond a simple heist.





	Hiding

Bruce stared at himself in the mirror, straightening his tie with a huff and smoothing back any stray hairs. He leaned in close to his reflection, eyeing his face closely, making sure the concealer used to cover up the bruise on his left eye — no thanks to a scuffle with some of jokers henchmen the night before) — was as unnoticeable as possible.

“Master Bruce,” Alfred started, “We wouldn’t want you to be late to your own function.”

Bruce sighed and slumped his shoulders, before turning to follow Alfred out towards the great hall, where no doubt many guests had already piled in to wait for him to appear. It was a fundraiser of some sort, and it was going to be televised, thats the most Bruce knew of it, if he was honest, Alfred was the one who organised this kind of stuff.

They reached the doors to the hall, Bruce squared his shoulders in preparation to make his grand entrance. He really didn’t want to be doing this, but he had to keep up appearances, it was all part of the act, unfortunately. He opened the doors with a forceful shove to be greeted by the blinding flash of cameras and a sea of rich socialites. He followed the drill, posed for some pictures, talked to a news anchor or two, and caught up with some friends and acquaintances. After going up on stage to make a quick opening speech, which he improvised quite professionally, everyone had settled down to their tables to be served their meals. 

The hall was filled with the sound of lively chatter before a clearing of the throat brought it all to a halt. All eyes (and cameras) in the room were drawn to the stage, were a beautiful woman in a tight green dress stood at the microphone, a plastic smile on her ruby red lips. Bruce didn’t remember being told about something like this happening.

“Good evening, everybody, how are we doin’ tonight?” Her voice was rich and soothing, the crowd responded with a chorus of cheers and clapping, before quickly quieting down so she could talk.

“Tonight, you’re all going to be treated to a lovely little show,” Another round of cheers, “Which unfortunately, won’t be performed by me,” she pouted, how theatrical.

“Hope y’all enjoy!” She waved daintily as she quickly strut off the stage, taking the microphone and its stand with her.

The crowd gasped and cheered as the lights dimmed and a bright spotlight shone onto the large stage. It illuminated a male figures silhouette against the white backdrop. He posed, shifting his posture onto one hip and leaning his hand onto a cane. His head dipped, causing the bowler hat on his head to slip ever so slightly. Then, the band began to play and the backup singers sung. Bruce recognised the song, he’d be surprised if anybody didn’t.

“Mr Sandman, bring me a dream,” The voice that rang out from the stage performer was nothing short of impressive, it was soft and dreamy, yet commanded — demanded — the attention of everyone in the room, in fact, it was almost familiar.

“Make him the cutest, that I’ve ever seen. Give him two lips, like roses and clover. Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over.” Bruce was a little shocked at the lack of change in pronouns, but looking around, everyone else seemed too captivated to really notice.

They all watched as the performer moved around the stage, dancing and twirling with his cane as the words echoed throughout the hall. As soon as the performance was over, the hall erupted in a chorus of clapping, cheering, and whistling. The performers silhouette tipped his head to roll his hat off his arm and catch it in his hand, bowing low. When he stood up, carefully placing the hat back on his head, the lights flicked on, and any and all sounds of celebration were replaced with gasps and even a scream or two.

Bruce knew that voice sounded familiar, standing up on the stage was none other than the Riddler, who's stare was boring into him. Bruce wanted to knock the self satisfied grin off of his face.

“Hiya folks!” He begun, with as much life and jive as a game show host, “Glad you all enjoyed that little performance…”

Before Bruce could even think, the room was completely surround by the Riddlers goons, all armed with heavy weaponry.

“…Now take a seat, why dontcha!” he gestured his arms out wide to the crowd, waiting for them to obey. Once they did, he walked, or even skipped, over to the edge of the stage, slid his cane across his shoulders, and pointed the business end directly at Bruce.

“Sorry to ruin your little soiree, Brucie, you know how it is.” He then swooped his arm across so the cane was now pointed at the various video cameras pointed in his direction, “Hope you're getting all this, don't forget my good side!”

As Riddler continued his path down towards Bruce’s table, the thoughts raced in Bruce’s mind. There was no way he could get out to get to the bat suit, everywhere he looked was blocked by massive thugs with even bigger guns, and where was Alfred? Now that he thought about it, he had lost sight of him just before that woman went up on stage. 

Bruce snapped out of his thoughts at the metallic clang of the Riddlers cane smacking the ground. He looked up to see the Riddler standing right before him, his posture tight, his chin held high, and smug smirk painting his features. He leaned down close to Bruce, so close he could smell his cologne, and grinned. All other guests who were sitting at Bruce’s table had scooted their chairs to get as far away from him as possible.

“Riddle me this, Mr. Wayne,” he begun in an almost sing-song tone, never breaking eye contact with Bruce for a second, “I am good at concealing what’s real, and hiding what’s true. Sometimes, I bring out the courage in you! What am I?”

Bruce thought for a second, then waited another 20 seconds or so, so it appeared like he was having trouble.

“…Makeup.” He said slowly.

The Riddler shot up and spread his arms out wide, “Makeup!” he exclaimed, “Well done, Mr. Wayne.” He threw his cane to floor with a loud clatter that warned a few surprised gasps from the guests, before leaning close into Bruce’s face. “Makeup…” he repeated, slowly. He brought his hands up to cup Bruce’s cheeks, and slowly dragged his thumbs, a little too roughly to be ever considered tender, across the underside of his eyes. Bruce closely watched the Riddlers face, who's expression seemed to be a mixed bag of excitement and quiet anticipation. The crowd watched, as confused as they were captivated, as the riddler straightened and stared down at his hands for a second, before a big, childish grin spread across his face.

“Looks like we all have something to hide, don’t we, Mr. Wayne.” Proudly displaying to Bruce his right thumb, caked in the concealer Bruce had used to cover his black eye. He stared back up at the Riddler with a stone cold glare, and silently hoped not enough had come off the make the bruise visible.

“Hey boss!” The Riddler whirled round to the call of the woman who had introduced him to the stage, who now had a weapon of her own, “We heading out?”

The Riddler gave her a curt nod before picking up his cane and turning back to the crowd, “Welp, that’s my cue! Hope we didn’t rob ya completely blind!”

And with that, him and his henchmen quickly fled the hall with the Riddlers hooting and hollering still bouncing off the walls.

—

Edward strut proudly into the lunchroom of Arkham Asylum, making his way over to an empty table with his tray. The blare of the news anchors voice, coming from the radio, could be heard nearby:

“The Riddlers escape was cut short just outside Wayne Manor, as the police were there waiting thanks to the Manor’s butler, who had escaped from his restraints and called for help. Despite this, the goods stolen from the Manor have yet to be recovered, though the police, and most likely Batman, are currently working to solve the riddle left behind, and hopefully recover what was stolen, or what’s left of it…”

He hummed to himself proudly, shoving a spoonful of whatever gross schluck was on his tray into his mouth. His internal praise was interrupted by the shrill call of Harley from just a few tables over.

“Hey Eddie! Get over here!”

Edward sighed and picked up his tray, having learnt by now that there was no use in resisting. He reached the table and sat down slowly.

“Hello Harley, Ivy” he smiled, “Joker,” he nodded, but the smile had dropped from his face.

“That was quite a show you put on,” Ivy said, “Too bad you got caught almost immediately.” She pat his shoulder condescendingly, which Edward shrugged off.

“Everything went to plan and my men got away with the goods, so I’d say it was a job well done.”

“We were all watchin’ it live on the news!” Harley exclaimed, “I didn’t know you could sing!”

“Yes well, you don’t seem to know a lot, do you Harleen.”

“Watch it, wise guy.” She said before slapping his back a little too hard.

“Yeah, but what was with that weirdness with Bruce Wayne, huh? Got a little crush, do we Riddler?” Joker cackled, hoping to get a rise out of him.

Normally, Edward was easy to irritate, but he was in way too good of a mood right now. He leaned back in his seat and locked his fingers behind his head.

“That’s none of your business, clown.”

—

The next night, Edward had already escaped from Arkham. At this point it was childs play, and really he would have saved himself the trouble, but he wanted to be there when Batman showed up at his hideout.

He entered the hideout with an open welcome from his more loyal henchmen, who were all congratulating him and each other, and celebrating with some of the wines and champagnes so kindly donated by Bruce Wayne. Though, Edward had to quickly remind them that it was back to business, and that Batman could show up at any second. This had to perfect.  
As expected, the Bat and his Boy Wonder arrived and Edward still was still preparing things in another room. When he finished no less than 5 minutes later, he walked out to see Batman and Robin, tightly tied to chairs while one of the bigger henchmen was tripling the knots.

“Oh perfect! You’re here! And my men were actually able to subdue you this time!” He giggled manically, “Oh this is going almost too well!”

Batman growled, still managing to be dark and imposing even when completely powerless, “Riddler!”

Before he could say anything else, Edward cut him off, “Now now, it’s not nice to interrupt, you’ll have the goods back by the end of the night, if you hear me out.”

His henchmen looked around at each other, clearly confused.

“Boys and girls, a need a moment alone with the bat.” He instructed, “And don’t worry your pretty little heads, you’ll get payed, maybe even with bonus if you're good.”

Seeming satisfied with this, the henchmen obediently left the three alone. They stood in silence for a few seconds, Edward nervously tapping his fingers together and bouncing on his heels.

“I just can’t believe how well this is going!” He twirled his cane before pointing it at Batman, “You stay right there, I won’t be a second.”

He bolted out of the room, and quickly re-entered rolling a large whiteboard with several pictures and messy scrawl all over it. Edward stood next to it like a proud child, clearly waiting for Batman to say something.

“…What is this.” 

“Aha! I’m glad you asked!” 

He wheeled the board closer and into the light. All over it were pictures of Batman, his gadgets, his car, Robin, and a myriad of other things, all with seemingly unintelligible notes scrawled next to each image.

“Tonight!” he began, his enthusiasm almost greater than the night he held Wayne Manor hostage, “Tonight, I am going to solve to greatest riddle of all!”

He made his way over to the two in a half skip half walk before leaning in close to Batman’s face.

“Who is Batman?” He grinned, “And you’re going to tell me if I’m right.”

“You wish!” Robin piped in.

Edward looked at the boy with a shocked expression before giggling and waving his hand dismissively, walking back over to the board to begin his presentation.

Using his cane as a pointer, Edward began.

“The identity of the Batman has alluded me and many others for quite a while now, but among my other, erm, activities, I’ve been slowly uncovering the truth! And I believe that I’ve found it! I am of certainty, that you my good man, are Bruce Wayne!”

Batman said nothing, simply staring him down.

“Heh heh, I knew you wouldn’t let up that easily, so lets get into my reasoning, shall we? First of all, height and weight. You don’t have to look much further than a gossip column to find Bruce Wayne’s stats. Among his favourite foods, movies, and type of girl, we find his height and weight come to 6’2’’ and 210 pounds, now Batman, I don’t have a tape measure or a scale on me, but I’d say that pretty well fits the bill from what I’ve seen of you, not to mention Bruce Wayne’s physique is strikingly similar to your own, that bat suit of yours doesn't leave a lot to the imagination.”

“So what, there’s plenty of people in Gotham who fit all those characteristics as well, you’re grasping.”

“I’m not done!” Slapping the end of his cane into his other hand, he quickly regained his composure, “Let’s continue. Now It’s fairly obvious to any average joe that all those gadgets and tech and cars, don’t come cheap, on top of having to replace them every single time they'd been broken, ouch, that’d be a hefty sum! But, I suspect it would be no trouble for a billionaire, would it Batman? And as my findings indicate, there aren't any other rich idiots in Gotham who match those physical traits quite as well as Bruce Wayne does.”

Batman said nothing and Robin was beginning to squirm in his chair, Edwards grin grew so wide we thought he’d split his lip. He’s so close…

“And my final point! And what really sealed the deal for me, because let’s face it, as compelling as those previous points are, they're nowhere near hard evidence, is this!” With that he whacked the end of his cane onto a picture of Edwards own hands, the left one completely bare, but the right ones thumb covered in concealer much darker than Edwards own skin tone.

“I don’t know if you know this Batman, but I have connections everywhere, helps me keep up to date with the happenings of this awful little city, and a few of those just so happen to be within Jokers own den. I payed off a few of his goons to stage a crime the night before the fundraiser, with specific instructions, once you had shown up, to really try and leave a few bruises, specifically in the facial area.”

Batman stiffened a bit.

“And what do I find…? Makeup!! Clearly being used to cover a black eye, after all, the makeup only showed up on one hand! If Bruce Wayne was the type to wear a little foundation here and there when he had to go on camera, wouldn’t it have shown up on my other hand? That was it! That really sealed the deal! So riddle me this, Batman: If it looks like a bat, walks like a bat, and talks like a bat, then it must be…!” He grabbed the top of the whiteboard and heaved in downwards so that it would start spinning, “…Bruce Wayne!”

The only sounds in the room were the whirring of the whiteboard, slowly coming to a stop, and Edwards frantic panting, only realising now that he may have forgotten to breath a bit. Robin looked positively crushed, and Batman had his head lowered so his expression was hard to read. Edward slowly walked back over to the pair, still trying to catch his breath.

“Well, Batman…?”

Batman looked up at Edward, and he was surprised to find that he wasn’t scowling. He didn’t look upset at all. Not that he looked happy, just completely blank. There was a long pause before he finally spoke, as he took an inward breath Edwards eyes widened in anticipation for the words that would come out of his mouth.

“I guess there’s no denying that kind of evidence.”

Edwards cane dropped to the floor as he quickly clasped his hands over his mouth, trying fruitlessly to muffle with squeaky giggling that erupted from him. He doubled over, letting the excited, childish laughter erupt from him, as he balled his fists and brought them close to his chest and tapped both his feet in rapid succession.

“No way!! You’re serious right!?” He gave Batman no time to answer as he erupted into another laughing fit, “If I take off that cowl right now, Bruce Wayne’s going to be staring back at me?”

“Why don’t you find out?”

Edward gasped, and hastily went over, placing his hands on either side of Batman’s cowl, but not making a move yet.

“You’re not screwing with me are you? I’m not gonna take this off and find some complete rando, am I?”

Batman said nothing, but Edward guessed that was his queue. He quickly pulled off the cowl, and was met with the icy stare of Bruce Wayne’s familiar blue eyes. Edward reeled back, tucking the cowl under his arm and pushing his palm into his forehead.

“Oh this is too good to be true! I’ve finally done it! You couldn’t escape my genius for long! And that’s Dick Grayson, isn’t it?” He pointed to Robin, “I don’t even need to unmask him, I already know!” He started laughing again, he couldn’t help himself, something had finally gone his way for once, he was allowed to be a little self indulgent.

“That’s enough, Riddler,” Batman — no Bruce — oh what’s the difference! — growled, “Return everything you stole, and get back to Arkham.”

“Oh, alright, a deal’s a deal.”

He put Batman’s cowl back on for him and began to untie them.

“Gosh, they really went to town on these knots…” He mused, they were almost proving too difficult for him. Whatever, a knot is like, a basic puzzle, or something like that.

“Riddler, I don’t understand…” Robin started slowly, “All you wanted was to find out who we were, but there’s no audience here, and you’re not going to kill us, so what’s the point.”

“The point.” Batman interrupted gruffly before Edward could even think about the question, “Is self satisfaction, as if this somehow proves he’s smarter. And Riddler doesn’t like cheaters, if everyone else wants to figure out this riddle, they're going to have to solve it for themselves.”

“It does prove I am smarter! For once, I have outsmarted you! For once! Though it may not be to get away with a crime, but that day shall come soon enough.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“As for the killing you part, I’ve never wanted to kill Batman, maybe Robin occasionally but definitely not Batman. What’s the fun in a game if there are no players, after all?”

It took Edward 10 whole minutes, but he finally undid the knots. Once they were untied and the ropes fell to the floor, Batman and Robin jolted up.

Edward extended his hand to the pair, who had now turned on him, “Pleasure doing business with y—“ He was interrupted by a swift punch to the teeth, and he was out cold.

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all hope you enjoy this i wrote it in one afternoon and didn't really proof read it, i just wanted to get my thoughts down, also sorry if anyone is out of character, im just havin fun here folks


End file.
